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Federation Follies

Federation Follies: Friendly Fire

March 16, 2012 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies, Star Trek Online, Video Games

Ok. I admit it — It’s been awhile since the last installment of Federation Follies, where I discussed some of my favorite Star Trek episodes to watch around Halloween.

I had a list of excuses as long as my arm ready for the editor here at TrekNews.net. Chief among them: my wife and I had a baby! But I’ve also been working! And Evil Picard turned my desktop computer into a makeshift still! There were LOCUSTS! All true (mostly), but not the real reason I’m been M.I.A.

No, the truth is far more shameful.

I’ve become addicted to Star Trek: Online.

Ever since the game went free-to-play, I’ve been flying around in my wicked starships, chasing Romulans, cheating on Academy exams, and doing my duty rosters. DUTY ROSTERS, PEOPLE. Seriously, forget what you think you know about Star Trek: Duty Rosters are EXTREME TO THE MAX.

After flying solo for a month, I suddenly remembered that this was a multiplayer game. “Sure,” I mused, “I have an elite cadre of computer-controlled officers to assist me, but aren’t there also real people playing this thing?” I opened my eyes to the larger universe around me… and realized that apparently the Federation had completely tossed all those “morals” and “ethics” out the nearest airlock while I was sending all those junior officers out on diplomatic missions. If you decide to try a little free-to-play STO (and you should), you can see all the following and more for yourself at startrekonline.com/f2p.

Captains Can Buy & Sell Officers At Most Starbases. I think I made enough off my extra Armory Officers to run the replicators for a month and a half. Extra Earl Grey Tea and phasers for everybody!

Tribbles Will Eat All Your Stuff. … and there goes the tea. Guess it’s just the phasers, then.

Tribbles Will Improve Your Battle Prowess. Carry tribbles, GET TUFF. Makes no sense, but it’s still funny to beam down an away team and have your Vulcan first officer start petting his tribble in the middle of a firefight.

“Petting His Tribble” is Not A Euphemism, It’s Just What Happens. Get your mind out of the gutter!

A Starbase Full of Ships Is Available to All… For the Right Price. Just a Lieutenant (Junior Grade)? No matter; open that wallet, pal, and you can own ALL the ships. The economics of the future ain’t that different after all.

90% of the People Who Type in the Chat Window Think You’re a Moron. “Peace and understanding of that which is different” went out the door with that hippie Picard, n00b. Set phasers to NERD RAGE.

The Other 10% Do Not Speak English. Malfunctioning Universal Translator, perhaps? How did they finish the tutorial without reading any of it?

Seriously, if the battle at Wolf 359 had gone down like group assaults I’ve joined, the Borg would have assimilated half the Earth while everyone in space was still bickering. Imagine Riker on the Enterprise, hollering over the comm at everyone to STOP USING KINETIC WEAPONS YOU %#^#&^ING $%@#$s; half the fleet flying in circles not doing anything; a handful of Captains trying to calmly explain what to do while some random lieutenant named Corporal Giggles tells them he totally saw a video on subspace showing exactly what to do and you guys totally just have the wrong tribbles equipped; and two alien officers with their universal translators turned off just ramming the Borg cube, transporting out to different ships, and then ramming said cube again.

Before you ask in the comments: Yes. This game is FUN. Wait. Why am I still typing? I’ve got Duty Rosters to get back to!

Until next time!

“Federation Follies,” a humor column by Willie Laundrie II, looks at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Trek-Or-Treat!

October 28, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies

The weather is getting chillier, autumn is coming to a close, and the darkness seems to chase the daylight away a little bit sooner each night. Truly, the most chilling season of the year is upon us and the signs are everywhere: Sounds in the night suddenly seem more foreboding. Plastic tombstones and artificial dead people on the neighbor’s lawn. Discount candy & thrashed “Sexy” Spongebob costumes litter the floor of your local department store (probably by the recently displayed Christmas merchandise).

I think there’s probably a new Saw movie out or something. Whatever. It’s Halloween! And what better way to spend this weekend waiting for the big day (and candy-filled night) than to scare yourself silly with Star Trek? Follow me now, dear viewer, as we gaze upon the darker side of Trek:

“Wolf in the Fold” (Star Trek: The Original Series, Season 2)
Murder! Mayhem! Belly dancers! Is the chief engineer of the Enterprise going insane, blacking out and murdering the locals while on shore leave? Or is something far more sinister at work? You only get one guess, and if you’re wrong, I slap you.

“Night Terrors” (Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 4)
This episode is what first got me thinking about a list like this. Although nothing supernatural occurs during the episode, there is some fairly disturbing imagery (especially a scene with Dr. Crusher “alone” in a cargo bay).

“Empok Nor” (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Season 5)
A different kind of terror, this episode has more in common with “Predator” than “Poltergeist.” As Chief O’Brien, Nog, Garak, and a handful of expendable newcomers search an abandoned (and poorly lit) Cardassian station for spare parts, they find themselves stalked by unseen forces… and possibly betrayed by one of their own. Also, the way the station is hanging crooked IN SPACE, where there is NO UP OR DOWN, is pretty darn creepy.

“The Thaw” (Star Trek: Voyager, Season 2)
If The Joker has taught me anything, it’s that clowns can be pretty terrifying… and a clown created as the physical manifestation of five people’s fears would be downright horrific. If watching Kim and Torres try to escape his carnival of horrors gets too frightening, just tell yourself that the clown is really Lenny from Laverne & Shirley. See if it helps.

“Eye of the Beholder” (Star Trek: The Next Generation, Season 7)
This one makes the list because “Geordi and Data remove a skeleton” is literally part of the plot synopsis on Memory Alpha. There’s suicide, murder, psychic vibrations that travel across time to torment the ship’s counselor… plus, Geordi and Data remove a skeleton. SPOOKY. For more murderous fun, see “The Meld” (ST: Voyager, Season 2).

“The Xindi” (Star Trek: Enterprise, Season 3)
Seriously, this whole season was basically Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones. More than anything on this list, THAT is truly chilling.

There are plenty more great ones (The salt vampire of M-113 in “The Man Trap” and Picard vs. Ardra in “Devil’s Due” strike me as appropriate). Feel free to leave any I missed in the comments, and have a Happy (and safe!) Halloween!
“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie II, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Star Trek Babies [Humor]

October 14, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies

Last week my wife and I welcomed our first baby into the world, and I’ve realized something: these tiny, brand-new people are kind of a big deal. As family and friends swarm around us to meet the lil’ monkey, I also realize: I have no idea what I’m doing with this kid. Naturally, I was inspired to write another in my series of articles that desperately attempts to validate those old “All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From Star Trek” posters: I would turn to Star Trek, which has quite a few examples of childbirth, childrearing, and other child-things.

“Rock-a-bye baby, in the spacedock,”
“When the core blows, the shuttle will rock,”
“When the hull breaks, the shuttle will fall,”
“And down will come baby, shuttle and all.”

Ian Andrew Troi
Counselor Deanna Troi is impregnated by a glowing alien presence which then (over the course of a few days) comes to term, is born, lives as a human child, and then reverts to energy or something. Or, as Jean-Luc Picard might say: “A lifeform of unknown origin and intent is breeding right now inside Counselor Troi.”

Lesson Learned: Kids don’t really grow up that fast, I guess. Comparatively speaking. They can prove threatening to the ship, though.

Kirayoshi O’Brien
Hmmm… transplanted from his mother’s womb into that of an alien, resulting in an accelerated pregnancy? The worst aspect of which was sneezing? That being said, I’m not crazy about rubbing the feet of a Bajoran freedom-fighter, though. Yikes.

Lesson Learned: Help my wife discover her “Inner Bajoran” before her next pregnancy.

Naomi Wildman
Born twice simultaneously on two twin Voyagers due to a spatial scission, Naomi Wildman was the first of two children born to the Federation crew in the Delta quadrant. One of the Naomi-s died due to a fetal transport-related issue; the other appeared doomed when her ship was set to self-destruct. Thankfully, a second Harry Kim carried the child to the mirror-version of the ship and… I’m realizing that the original crew died, and the rest of the series was duplicates? Or were just Harry and Naomi…?

Lesson Learned: … so does this happen with the transporters, too? Like in “The Prestige?” I learned nothing about babies here.

Nagilum
Nagilum is a giant floating evil space baby. Don’t be thinking you can argue that in the comments, either. Dude creeps me out.

Lesson Learned: EVIL ALIEN SPACE BABY IS EVIL

Xyrillian Baby
Commander “Trip” Tucker, from the ol’ NX-01 tries to help somebody out, and she gets him pregnant. As a guy, the thought of being pregnant (as a guy!) is almost more terrifying than Nagilum. Plus, I think there were wrist nipples? It’s been awhile.

Lesson Learned: Not worth the risk; our son is officially an only child now.

… y’know, maybe this wasn’t the best way to learn about kids. Do you think they have any books I could read, somewhere?

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie II, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Gaming In a Temporal Loop

September 29, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies, Video Games

Earlier this week, I found myself in a bit of a dilemma. The video gaming bug was bitin’ hard, but what to play? I was burned out with online games; Rock Band would wake my slumbering bride; and I’m too much of a dinosaur to have games on my phone. Could Star Trek rescue me from this predicament? Of course it could! Hence I rushed to the closet, pushed aside my Super Powers action figures and Darth Vader Voice Changer helmet, and revealed my salvation: my SEGA Game gear, circa 1992. It was time for a little Star Trek: The Next Generation — The Advanced Holodeck Tutorial.

Developed by Absolute Entertainment, Inc. and released to eager Trek gamers in 1994, The Advanced Holodeck Tutorial puts players on the bridge of a holographic recreation of Picard’s U.S.S. Enterprise for their final exam at Starfleet Academy… provided the “cadet” has six AA batteries to power SEGA’s monolithic handheld. Digging for Duracells, I was reminded why I hadn’t played this game since the Clinton administration. Not wanting to empty out all my Wii remotes, I opted to connect the brick to my car battery and try that instead (online sources promised at least three hours of playtime this way; more than enough). With my Optima’s engine humming and the Game Gear chugging along nicely, I was welcomed to Starfleet Academy.

It was like I was there! There was no time to banter with Boothby, though; Captain Picard had a mission (and you had best believe I chose to accept it). Apparently, Talarians were attacking a freighter near Crystalia and their warp core was going to blow! It was up to me and the other five people on this holographic spaceship to save their bacon. I commanded Mr. Data to set course for Crystalia, MAXIMUM WARP, and we were on our way.

Upon arrival, I found empty space and stars. That was about it. It took me a few minutes to remember how to bring up the sensors so that I could see… more stars. Hmmmm. Change Magnification? That sounded good… then I was being shot at. By somebody. Somewhere. True to the television series, my bridge officers were happy to talk about that, but weren’t about to do anything about it until I gave the go-ahead. That’s good training! I asked Worf to raise shields and arm the weapons systems. The ship then floated aimlessly for a bit as I tried to remember how to steer. Things were not going well.

As any seasoned video gamer will tell you, when in doubt: button mash! After slapping around my twenty-year-old handheld gaming device for four minutes, I managed to turn the ship and find my attacker (or the freighter? I wasn’t too sure). Remembering my tactical training from the academy (and Star Trek: Online) I was ready to drain my target’s shields with my phasers before delivering the killing blows via photon torpedoes. Apparently the Talarian technology of 1994 could only handle two PEW-PEW’s before my victory was assured, however. High on my own success, I turned my attention to the wounded freighter and her endangered crew. “Chief O’Brien,” I cried, “lock on and transport survivors!” At which point Miles politely informed me that we needed to be closer to the freighter.

Button mashing and profanity ensued.

After finally inching the Enterprise up to the freighter, I dropped shields (thank you, Mr. Worf, for reminding me) and began to transport. Just like in real-life, I had to move a tiny box across a glowing TRON grid to find digitized representations of terrified survivors running wildly away from my transporter lock, their tiny arms thrashing and flailing wildly. Or maybe that’s just how the Game Gear animates people walking. Either way, Chief O’Brien and I beamed them up just in time. My first mission was complete, Captain Picard congratulated me, and I was reminded that I could continue my progress in the future by proving to the Game Gear I remembered the name of Data’s cat.

SEGA Starfleet Academy

As goofy as all that sounds, I adore this game. I remember playing it endlessly when I was younger, and it’s the biggest reason I have my Game Gear accessible (behind the figures and the helmet) today. Ship-to-ship combat may be a bit weak, but the transporter operation and re-routing of power in engineering are done extremely well; the former is actually incredibly similar to the way transporters are portrayed in the recent Star Trek reboot. The graphics are good for a game this age, and the sound effects are fun (if not entirely accurate). It’s no “A Final Unity,” but then: what is?

Until Star Trek: Online goes free-to-play, I know what I’ll be playing to scratch my Trek Gaming itch. I’ll just have to keep a close eye on my car battery.

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie II, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: The Library of the Future

September 23, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Books, Federation Follies

Ever since my parents gave me my first Batmobile, I’ve been hooked on collecting treasures based on my favorite fictional characters and universes. Star Trek ranks pretty highly on that list, and I’ve amassed quite an assortment of treasures from the twenty-third and twenty-fourth centuries.

While the action figures and miniature starships are certainly favorites, there’s a special place in my heart for the items that really seem as if they could exist in that far-flung future.

Aside from the obvious phasers and communicators, my favorite future artifacts are books. The publishing method might differ (you’d expect PADDs or computer memory in the 2300′s), but the text would be the same.

With that small concession in mind, I present the following list of Trek Tomes that you could easily see any Federation citizen enjoying:

The Ferengi Rules-of Acquisition

The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

I’ll start with one of the few books on this list that I don’t actually have. Although this pocket-sized paperback doesn’t list all 285 rules (since they haven’t all been officially stated), it’s still a fun companion and an interesting read to flip through.

Each page has a single rule and any text beyond that is scarce. Most of us “hoo-mahns” probably couldn’t handle all that Ferengi wisdom in one place, but if you’re still looking for a comprehensive study of an alien culture, there’s always…

The Klingon Dictionary and Klingon for the Galactic Traveler

With these two textbooks, you don’t have to be a native of Qo’noS to speak the language of the galaxy’s most legendary warriors. As a Trek fan you probably know that yes, Klingon is a legitimate language that many people do actually speak; these books can make you one of those enlightened linguists. They also include some fascinating history and cultural information, making them an enjoyable read even for those scholars who have no intention of attempting a Klingon conversation at their next convention. That being said, they do make it easier to read…

The Klingon Hamlet

After all, you haven’t experienced it unless you’ve experienced it in the original Klingon.

Voyager: Captain Proton

Captain Proton: Defender of Earth

Another title that I have yet to add to my personal collection, this pastiche of classic sci-fi stories presents the “real” stories that Tom Paris based his classic holodeck programs on. The compilation contains a novel-length story as well as short stories and a letter column from the early twentieth-century science fiction magazine the stories “originally” appeared in. We’re still waiting for Hotel Royale and Dixon Hill, though. For those looking for a little non-fiction, we have some heavier reading with…

Starfleet Technical Manual

Technical Manuals

There are a number great books that fit this category, but each feels like something Montgomery Scott or Geordi LaForge would want at their fingertips; the former even assisted in the writing of one of them. For those interested in engineering and the study of starship design, we have: Mr. Scott’s Guide to The Enterprise; Star Trek: The Next Generation Technical Manual; Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Technical Manual; and the U.S.S. Enterprise Haynes Manual. All are fascinating reads and are chock-full of illustrations, diagrams, schematics, and explanations of everything from warp cores to bridge seating.

Somehow more comprehensive AND more focused is Franz Joseph’s Star Fleet Technical Manual. This classic read zeroes in on the original series and lays out the inner workings of that time period in great detail. It includes logos and insignia, hand phaser cross-sections, uniform sewing patterns, and the layout for Fleet Headquarters.

This is only a sampling of the many Trek books that fit the criteria of Actual Future Literature. There are many more to find and enjoy (I’m personally curious to read the Starfleet Survival Guide).

I hope some of you will discuss your favorites in the comments below; I’m always looking for new books to add to my own “Library of the Future.”
“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie II, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Star Trek Nights

September 15, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies

Greetings readers, and welcome back to the latest (and long-delayed) installment of “Federation Follies.” For those of you wondering where the column has been, I’ll tell you what I told my TrekNews editors: “prison, awaiting bail.” For those of you who haven’t been wondering: … well, thanks for nothing.”

Regardless, during my time away, I’ve seen chatter on this fine website (and others) about a possible pitch for Star Trek’s triumphant return to television. Now, there are some out there who don’t think this is likely to happen for various reasons, and I tend to agree; Paramount doesn’t seem too into Trek on the silver screen right now. Unlike the rest of the internet, though, I have no intention of taking this sitting down; I plan to STAND UP (while writing this!) AND GET THEIR ATTENTION. What follows is my slam-dunk pitch for a new Star Trek series that will get those studio suits to take notice. I present to you:

Pitch for Star Trek: Nights

Captain Val Edwards, the third-youngest Starfleet officer to ever be named captain of a starship, has just taken command of the U.S.S. Nocturne. When a strange string of murders below decks begins to catch the attention of the crew, Edwards fears that his darkest secret may come to light: he’s actually a (salt) vampire! Are his recent blackouts a sign that after years of dedication, he’s losing control and killing his own crew? Or is some darker force at work?

Meanwhile, Chief Medical Officer Ellen Laurie has her own problems in Sickbay: love is in the air! With her head nurses both head-over-heels for the same Bolian intern and tempers flaring, will she be able to hold things together? Or is there a nasty polywater breakout right under her nose? Also, why is popular music from the early twenty-first century always playing over the intercom?

Finally, Chief Engineer Leland Miranda has to turn Main Engineering into a daycare for the Nocturne’s children when a Klingon werewolf turns the ship’s school into it’s new den! There will be laughs aplenty and lessons learned as Starfleet’s youngest new “cadets” show their elders how it’s done! Plus, Chief Miranda’s daughter is A WIZARD.

I’m sure you’ll agree with me that this exciting, compelling, completely fresh, 100% new, not-at-all-derivative-of-other-media take on our beloved franchise is just the shot in the arm television, if not society as a whole, needs right now. So let’s start writing those letters and make it so, people.

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie II, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Shocking Revelation

July 8, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies, Humor

In the wake of William Shatner’s official statement regarding his non-participation in the next installment of the rebooted Star Trek franchise, it appears at least one more prominent Trek personality will also be missing from the upcoming film. The following excerpts were taken from an official press release… which I found stapled to my shin Thursday morning when I woke up… in terrible pain:

“No, I will freakin’ NOT be appearing in a ‘cameo role’ in the next Star Trek flick,” Evil Picard told a group of confused passers-by in front of the San Diego Convention Center this morning. “I’m not sure WHY I won’t be appearing, since I’ve spent more time in the command chair then that Pine kid, but what can ya’ do? Maybe they can’t afford me.”

Evil Picard went on to say that while he would not consider himself a close friend of J.J. Abrams, director of the 2009 reboot and its upcoming sequel, he had become an acquaintance of the acclaimed film-maker:

“Yeah, me and J-Bro are ‘acquainted,’ you could say,” Evil Picard continued. “Back in April I ‘let myself in’ to his place… I wanted to pick a fight with that Bad Robot character. Somethin’ about the shape of his head bugs me. Anyway, I didn’t find the robot, but on my way out the back window with $732 worth of Alias memorabilia I did see 2-J… speaking of which: if you’re readin’ this, J.J., can we reschedule the time of the ransom drop-off? I forgot and made a date for next Tuesday, sorry pal. The stuff’s still here, I swear.”

Evil Picard also suggested an “inside source” had informed him that production on the new motion picture was being stalled due to “wizards or something” and claimed that more information would be revealed to fans who purchase the Star Trek: The Next Generation Motion Picture Collection on Bluy-ray and watch all four films in sequence, reflected in a mirror, in reverse, six times.

None of these claims could be verified by press time, however, as the FBI was quick to confiscate the press release as “key evidence in an ongoing investigation.” TrekNews will continue to follow this non-story as it… non-develops.

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Secret Agent, Man!

June 17, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies, Humor

Some of you may recall that, about a month ago, I was completely losing my marbles over the amazing possibilities presented by the Star Trek: The Next Generation novel “Here There Be Dragons”. After all, a Star Trek book with dragons is pretty much contractually-obligated to be mind-blowingly amazing, right? Well, I finally worked up the nerve to start it, and let me tell you: even at only forty-six pages in, it delivers… and I haven’t even gotten to the dragons yet.

Ignoring a full chapter of Commander Riker and Alexander fighting “Gigantaurs” on the holodeck, do you know what the first five chapters of this book are mostly about? TACHYONS. It doesn’t get any Trekkier than that, kids. That’s not even my favorite part, though! SPOILER ALERT for those of you who don’t want me to drop (what I’m assuming; I haven’t finished the book) is a Major Plot Development from 1993: during a laughable fight with a pleasure cruiser, the Enterprise picks up CASTOR NAYFACK: (supposed) FEDERATION SECURITY AGENT. Since this great work of future-literature was written by one John Peel (who is obviously a British secret agent), I got pretty dang excited here. It would be like Ian Fleming basing James Bond on his crazy adventures as a spy during World War II. It would be like those DS9 episodes where Bashir is an international man of mystery, except NOT on the holodeck. It would be like O’Brien was actually Falcon! Maybe!

Anyway, I was intrigued. I had to learn more about this guy, and simply finishing the book would have been the easy way out. So I hopped on Google and tried the easier way out… except the internet had very little to offer me. Apparently he was born the same year as Michael Eddington… but you don’t even have a citation for that, Memory Beta? Please. It was becoming obvious that I’d need to take this into my own hands. I copied down the author’s initial description of

CASTOR NAYFACK:

“He looked to be in his early forties, and definitely of Terran stock. His thick brown hair hung long about his shoulders, and he had a firm, muscular build. His face was long and lean, his eyes blue and clear. He wore casual clothing, including what looked to be a hunting vest. There were several pockets, all empty.”

… and came up with this:

Castor

Apparently, CASTOR NAYFACK (whose name I shall always capitalize forever) looks just like Ted Nugent, minus the insanity ‘shades and soul patch. Hmmmm. Not sure if that’s better or worse, honestly.

Until I finish this epic tale of CASTOR NAYFACK and dragons and tachyons, several questions remain: Will CASTOR NAYFACK prove to be friend or foe? Will CASTOR NAYFACK fight dragons with his bare hands? Will CASTOR NAYFACK actually end up being a time-displaced Ted Nugent? The anticipation is killing me!

… but for now I’m off to watch the new Green Lantern movie. I’ll finish the book later.

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Convention Apprehension

June 10, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies

As most of you are probably aware, “Convention Season 2011″ is in full-swing. This weekend I’ll be heading to the Frank & Son Collectible Show in California for their annual Star Trek Day, but that’s just the beginning. With the official start of summer less than two weeks away (and a handful of Trek gatherings already behind us), it’s high-time for the convention-goers among us to pull our ‘fleet uniforms out of our closets, dust off those tricorders, and set phasers to… wait a moment.

Wait. What’s that? You’ve never BEEN to a convention before?

You say you’re not sure what to expect, but you’ve seen the Comic-Con coverage on TV and you know enough to be terrified? Worry not, friend. TrekNews and Federation Follies have your back.

Note: TrekNews had your back before this silly article; check here for a list of upcoming Star Trek conventions.

To start, let’s define the term “convention.” According to the online Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a “convention” is described as “an assembly of persons met for a common purpose.” Everyone at a Trek convention is there for the same reason, and that leads to a friendly and welcoming atmosphere. That reason?

Some important things to keep in mind:

Admission Prices
Seems obvious, but always check on that. You’d be surprised how many of these things don’t accept “the economics of the future is somewhat different” or “we work to better ourselves” as valid reasons to let you in for free.

Parking
Parking at conventions can be difficult. If simply transporting down isn’t an option, be sure to arrive early for a decent (read: any) spot. Not to imply that anyone might be embarrassed by the prospect of walking sixteen city blocks from their car to the convention center in full Borg costuming and gear, but… you know. It’s summer, it’s hot, and not all local law-enforcement officers are as hip as some.

Food
Go ahead. Try the food they serve at these things. I dare you. You’ll be praying for racht… but you won’t have any money left. Speaking of which…

Klingons
Don’t make ‘em mad (see title image). Sure, you might think it’s funny to drop a slip of latinum in their cup while they’re singin’, but… just don’t do that. The food is safer.

Swag
Bring a bag. Bring a couple of bags. Possibly a truck. If you’re like me and you grab every free thing they hand you, you might also want to price personal storage options (if my fiancée is reading this: Honey, I apologize in advance).

Parking
Did I complain about parking already? I HATE PARKING AT THESE THINGS

Personal Space
You won’t see any at a convention. Bring hand sanitizer.

Tribbles
Avoid taking them home. Seriously, the ones they sell there don’t seem to breed ever, let along non-stop. Zero value for your convention dollar.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, of course; there’s so much more to conventions. Be sure to check back in with TrekNews in the coming months for more on this fun and fascinating side of Star Trek Fandom, but for now just remember: Honestly, transporters.

Parking is STUPID.

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: C’mon Get Happy, Picard

May 27, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies

Have you ever had a bad day? A bad week? Sure, we all have. Maybe you’re fighting with a friend over which Star Trek captain would have made the best replacement James Bond. Perhaps you lost your job at the tarantula ranch. Or, if you’re like me, maybe your computer decided it was time to meet whatever spiritual deities computers worship and died a glorious warrior’s death. Possibly it just squealed like a stuck Targ and refused to run when you turned on the juice. Whatever the reason, you may find yourself frustrated. Angry. In despair. What can one do in a situation like this?

Turn to Star Trek. Duh.

To cheer myself up this week, I decided to seek out a little online therapy. I tried a Google search for “happy Picard,” and brother did it do the trick. As a public service to you, the readers of TrekNews.net, I will share my results here; partly because this is a spiritual journey best shared with friends, but mostly because none of you should attempt it. Seriously, for some reason Google throws a naked picture of Ron Jeremy at you partway through. Picard was all like:

Jean Luc Picard
That’s alright, though… again, you just gotta Be Like JLP: roll with the punches. Was I shocked and a little disgusted? Sure. Was I confused by what the internet was trying to say about the captain of the Enterprise-D? Definitely. That’s alright, though. I chose to soldier on.

Jean Luc Picard
See, Captain Picard approves. When things get tough, but you hang in there, the captain respects you. And the captain’s respect is just what one needs when things look grim. So thank you, Jean-Luc. We give a big “thumbs-up” to you, too.

Jean Luc Picard
Sometimes it’s about maintaining perspective. Things could always be worse, right? Even when he has a Nausicaan blade through the aortic valve, Picard knows that one must laugh, or one will most certainly cry.

The journey did not end there, though:
Jean Luc Picard

… so I guess the moral of the story is: when life throws undressed adult actors at you and it feels like a knife through the chest, eat cake and remove your pants.

Jean Luc Picard

I certainly know I’m feeling better now. Thanks, Star Trek!

Federation Follies: Judging A Book By Its Dragons

May 20, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies

A few weeks ago my fiancée and I were shopping for used Star Trek books. We found a little “friends of the library” shop with 25¢ paperbacks and hit the jackpot: DS9 and TNG novels! We both loaded up (buying two identical copies of a DS9 story in our frenzied zeal) and it wasn’t until we got home that we really looked at what we’d purchased… and boy, was I surprised by this little treasure:

Allow me to present Here There Be Dragons, Star Trek: The Next Generation Novel #28, written by Mr. John Peel. Now, before I go on, most of you are probably wondering: “Does his fiancée really go looking for used Trek books with him? Is he actually the luckiest man alive?” The answer is yes, she does and I am. The rest of you are thinking, “yeah, he’s super-lucky… and the name on this book’s cover makes me think a British spy wrote it… but what else is there to get excited about?” Apparently that little castle in the corner reaching for Riker’s epic beard didn’t clue you in, so let me hit you with some KNOWLEDGE (courtesy of the book’s back cover):

Penetrating the cloud, the Starship crew is shocked to discover a world of knights and serfs lifted right out of Earth’s Middle Ages. Ruthlessly exploiting the planet is a ring of interstellar trophy hunters preying on the immense, native dragon-lizards, twenty-feet tall and armored like tanks.

See, Agent Peel isn’t just using that cliché for a title to grab your attention; no, he’s more Pro than that. He has the crew of the Federation’s flagship straight-up fighting dragons. Or riding them. Or teaming up with them to defeat Galactus, Devourer of Worlds. I don’t know. I haven’t actually READ this book yet. I’m too in awe of it, afraid it won’t live up to the images that cover conjures up in my head. I’m honestly a little intimidated… although that’s mostly due to the front cover’s nasty case of Creepy Data Smile.

When you watch Star Trek, especially earlier episodes (of almost any series), it can sometimes be painfully clear that you’re watching a television show. Some of the immersion is lost when Picard beams down to Planet Cardboard Sky, or when Data drags the Enterprise out to help a little alien girl with an auto-tuned voice and bad prosthetic pinky-fingers. The budget for the effects just isn’t there. When you read the books, though, that’s not an issue; all the limitations on alien design and such go out the window at high warp. I read one book where the crew of the Enterprise-D picked up a scientist who turned out to be a dolphin in a hover-bubble, and then they cruised over to the Mirror Universe to read Shakespeare. And now John Peel (Agent of MI:6) has written a book with dragons and Predators in it!

If you’ve never read any Trek novels, give them a shot; they’re fun, they’re funky, and they’re better than the current TV iteration (Star Trek: Nothing-Because-We’re-Waiting-For-Another-Movie-and-I-Can’t-Afford-the-DVDs). Promise me, though, that if you begin with Here There Be Dragons you won’t spoil the ending for me. I’ll get to it eventually.

(Don’t buy it new on Amazon for 78¢, though — That’s three times what I paid.)

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.

Federation Follies: Diary of a Red Shirt

May 13, 2011 By Willie Laundrie In Federation Follies, Humor

Personal Log, Stardate 5917.3: Only one day aboard ship, but WOW is it different than the academy! These Constitution class cruisers are titanic; the schematics they included with my duty orders don’t begin to do this ship justice. I’ve been assigned to operations, and I’m excited to get started… but I’m concerned there’s been some sort of mix-up with my uniform. Instead of the brand-new cardinal-red tunic I was expecting, I found a used uniform with (what I’m assuming are) phaser burns. I’ll be sure to speak to the ship’s purser in the morning.

Personal Log, Stardate 5918.5: First away mission today! There’s always plenty of excitement ship-side, of course, but I joined Starfleet to seek out NEW life and NEW civilizations; you only get that on the ground! I have to say, though, this is one area that the academy oversold a bit: it was incredibly dull. Everything went smoothly… no miscommunications with this new race, no accidental insults, no problems. Not bad for a first assignment, just… routine. Ah well. “Be careful what you wish for,” as they say…

Personal Log, Stardate 5921.5: It’s been four months now, and Starfleet is proving to be fairly dull. After my first few away missions, the captain has been calling for me to join more and more of them; he calls me his “good luck charm.” Not sure how to take that… or why he’d need the luck. If this is what life is like on the frontier, I should have stayed back on Earth.

Personal Log, Stardate 5921.9: I haven’t wanted to comment before now, but I think my fellow officers are starting to treat me oddly. I can’t compare notes with anyone else my rank in operations; they seem to come and go before I can get to know any of them. Not sure why I haven’t been getting promoted with my spotless record…

Personal Log, Stardate 5922.1: Had to have my uniform tunic replaced today. Again. The purser couldn’t believe that it had lasted this long, and made some offhanded comment about the “red shirts being disposable.”

Personal Log, Stardate 5923.4: Now I know it’s not just in my mind. The senior staff have been giving me the craziest looks. “Six months… seriously?” they ask each other when they think I’m out of earshot. I don’t get it.

Personal Log, Stardate 5926.3: Haven’t been able to write in some time. I go on away missions constantly. Sometimes they won’t even let me carry my phaser. Thank heavens for those self-defense classes. Also, what the heck is a “Mugatu?” Mugato? Gumato? Whatever, now I can say that I’ve wrestled one.

Personal Log, Stardate 5927.9: I would almost swear that I heard the captain himself refer to me as either a “coward” or a “freakish miracle thing” on multiple occasions.

Personal Log, Stardate 5928.1: I’m being transferred. I didn’t ask for it, and I don’t understand it, but it’s an incredible honor: I’m being sent to serve aboard the Enterprise. My captain says I’ll “meet” my “destiny” there. I guess that’s good? Starfleet is strange.

“Federation Follies” is a weekly humor column by Willie Laundrie, taking a look at the lighter side of Star Trek.